Friday, August 22, 2014

O Captain, My Captain- Depression and Farewells.

I struggled for a long time on trying to figure out a good post to make after Robin Williams passed away. I didn't want to make something that was just for doing it, or writing it, I wanted my words and picture to represent something, to be meaningful. Be warned, the post below will contain personal information, and a look into what depression feels like, and why it's important to be aware of this deadly disease, because yes, it is a disease. If you're bothered by either of these themes, this might not be the post for you. 

Robin Williams' death hit me hard, I'm not going to lie, I still cry about it. A lot of people think it's ridiculous, since I didn't know him, but that's the point. We never took the time to get to know the selfless man that gave us laughs and filled our childhood with warm memories. He needed us, and we turned our backs. We didn't see the signs. We lost him too soon. This is what saddens me the most, and having been in that same boat, and having been saved, just, it's devastating. He was a legend. He was one of a kind. The world truly is a little less funny and bright, but as we've seen around, you're free. You're free from the chains of this world, from the guilt, and the hurt, free to be the you you've always desired to be, and to laugh freely like you made us laugh so many times. Rest in peace.

The thing that kills me though, is that not enough light is being shined upon how horrible depression is. He wasn't selfish. One of his last acts was sending a woman overseas a video of himself because meeting him was on her bucket list. He tried to make her laugh in his most desperate moment. If you haven't been through depression, I want you to take away all those thoughts that he was selfish, that sadness is just something you can cure. Get them out of your head right now, and clear them out. This is what depression feels like.

One day, there is something that happens, devastating, or maybe it's been going for a while, bringing lower and lower every day, or perhaps it came alone, suddenly. Regardless, it feels as if you're carrying a boulder on your back. You can't stand up, physically it hurts. Emotionally it hurts. There's a void in your heart, or inside you, it feels like ice. It hurts. It physically freezes you, and it hurts. But you have to keep going. Life goes on. This great boulder on your back, you can't take it off, you have to walk with it all day long, drag yourself step by step. People stare. You know they're talking about you. Not only are they talking about you, it feels like they're adding weight to this great boulder you have to carry. But you can't stop. No. If you stop, then they'll pile more on top of you. You have to run. You have to get away. And finally you do. For a moment you're free. You cry, you let it out. But the weight is still there. You talk to someone you trust, but the weight is still there, even if they have taken a couple of pebbles away from you. 

The day is over. Now is time to head home. Your loved ones are there. They stare at you. It huts. You're hurting them. You know they can see the boulder you're carrying, and they want to take it away from you. They want to carry it for you, but they can't get it off, they say only you can. But you've tried. Desperation sets in. You can't do anything. You're helpless to this great weight that you carry behind you. You can see this boulder growing, and it's going to crush your family too. No. It can't. It's your burden to carry. So you lock yourself up. Withdraw from others. That way, if they can't see you, you can't hurt them. They can't hurt you. It's good, right? No. Your family complains that you hide away. They're worried about you. The internet, your only outlet for freedom, makes fun of you. They "troll" you. You can't do it anymore. The weight is so heavy that it feels like you're suffocating. There must be an end. There must be a way to run away from the pain. You think, and there is. You go online and you find you're not alone. There are others, some urge you to go for help, others give you tips on how to end your suffering. You're at a crossroads now. But you've seek help. The doctors threw around illnesses at you that you knew you didn't have. You knew exactly what you had. Depression. The pills didn't help. You're screaming and they don't hear. Reach for the rope, it's time to end it all. 

This is what depression feels like. This is the road that many have walked. Some have survived. Some have perished and lost their battle with depression. I say to you, please. If you've ever felt like this. If you feel like this right now. Seek help. When you end your life, and that boulder is off your shoulders, it will attach to others around you. It's not worth it. You're not saving anyone. Go to someone, talk, eventually, the rock will fall, pebble by pebble.

And to you all that are in the internet, stop being trolls. There is no excuse to be abusive to others. To you all that find pleasure in humiliating others and shielding under the veil of anonymity, I beg you. Stop. Some of you have attacked me, with my daughter, and it hurts. You all know where to go to make the dagger stick. It's sickening. I'm glad I'm strong enough to only be mildly hurt by it, strong enough to know that you need more help than I do. But I will also say this. One day, one of those hateful messages you write will end a life. You will be the reason, the last drop, the last pebble, the last ounce of required weight that it took that person to be driven to insanity, and to do such a horrible thing. Don't be that person. Instead of attacking, lend a help, help them, they need your help. Instead of ending a life, save a life. 

Let's not forget Robin Williams, let's carry his memory in our hearts, share his gift with others, and use his last act as a lesson on how to be a better human being. On how you're not alone if you're depressed, and how you hurt the world once you're gone. It doesn't solve problems, it creates more. Let's all be a shoulder for others to cry, let's be humans, and take the monsters and devils out of us. Let's help someone that needs it today.


Hair: + Lamb. Pandora - Variety/Ombre/Eccentric by Lamb Bellic at Collabor88
Skin: Lara Hurley-Fae Milky Fatpack by Lara Hurley 
Glasses: ISON - pegley glasses (tortoise) by Harry Hyx
Necklace: Lark - Sweet Dreams Kitty Necklace by Sienia Trevellion 
Top: -tb- Banded Cropped Top - Vintage by Julliette Westerburg
Skirt: *BOOM* Athena Skirt Long  Pitch by Aranel Ah at Collabor88
Hands: Slink Hands by Siddean Munro
Body: Slink Physique by Siddean Munro
Shoes: -Pixicat- Royal.Shoe (Pink) by areve
Feet: Slink High Feet by Siddean Munro
Pose: Little Hearts from {.:exposeur:.} by Rubystarlight Writer 


Anonymous said...

Went through it as a teenager. Wear the scars. Went through it in my forties. Bear the memories. Going through it right now. Doesn't matter why.
What you said "When you end your life, and that boulder is off your shoulders, it will attach to others around you." That helps. Because that is not the legacy I want.
I wish everything was over. I see no future for myself. But I can imagine a future for my children and having a mother who committed suicide should not be in it.

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